Erm.

I feel the same as previous entry. No different. Maybe worst, now that Christine accused me of trying to take away the person that she said she didn't like anymore. Sorry, but I care for my friends, and I don't purposely try to take away people from whomever. That's the way I am. I feel so hurt. I always do.

(no subject)

i feel like i'm falling, and no one is underneath to catch me. thats what i feel like. no one, not even i knows why. wait, yes i do i know why, but i want to deny it. deny it ever or even exists. maybe i'm just a big complainer, who am i to complain? i've had such a great life. of course, everyone is a little turtle holed up inside their shell. i'm not the only turtle. I haven't revealed to Seph my unhappiness, since he's the one who seems to care most. I haven't told anyone. Everyone thinks these little mood swings of mine last for two seconds, because i'm shallow and moronic. unintellegent. they don't occur once a month. they occur every single day of my fucking life. it's just that some days i can control it, and others, not. this blog is hold all my dark thoughts, so that my more lighter thoughts won't collide. the people who read the other journal, only see one side. while this sees two. but i don't think anyone bothers to read this one because they think it's the same as the other, and the other is preferable.

i feel so vulnerable. what else is new. it seems that i'm fading fast, and no one cares. No one cares. And for those who say otherwise, i don't believe it. it sure doesn't seem that way. no ne says anything until it's too late, or until i say something. well, i'm not saying anything anymore. it's too late for chances. but what am i saying? no one cares anyway. in the deepest depths of my heart, i know. no one cares about each other. we use each other. i know i'm not different. it may seem that i care, and that i feel i care, but i bet i don't. 99% of a chance i don't. It's not easy masking pain behind a smile. It's not. And everyone does it. No wait, not everyone. Some people mask it behind solidarity, or silence. But everyone has a sheild. Everyone. No one goes with strength.

I'd like to see a truely selfless person. But I hanve't met one yet. No one. Everyone has been selfish once. Except maybe Jesus but he lives zillions of years ago. I want to see one in modern times. Now. Everyone seems to be caught up in greed, and money, land and power. The greed, intensified with contest. Really. I'm not kidding. This world that we live on his fucking greedy as fucking hell, and fucking selfish. Sure sure, we give away money and stuff to the poor, why? because we feel sorry for the people, but we know that we're never gonna be like that, so why worry? but do we truely care? i'm sure that there's one or two good people in the world, but EVERYONE has done something selfish at least ONCE in their life. And right now, I'm at that phase where I think I care. Or I know I care. But I don't know if I truely do. No one truely knows anything. Existance itself doesn't have to be real. I mean, reality might just be a figment of your imagination, and not truely reality. Get my drift?

Is anyone who's reading this even get it? I doubt it. No one gets my insanity. Who wants to, anyway? Everyone else has there own bouts of insanity. I think about what it would be like to be another person. What those people see. Do they a flower the same way I do? Do they see the sky as an open mass of blue? What do they see? I want to know. Are we alike? Is anyone truely alike? Doubtful. Everyone is their own individual self. No one is alike.

Wow, I must have alot on my mind, because I'm really rambling. But it's just that my mind has been filled with such complicated thoughts lately that I couldn't handle it, and I needed somewhere to express myself without people's comments. I mean, I like reading comments, but not on entries like these. This is one entry I don't think I want people to see. It shows how unstable and insecure I am. And I admit it. I fucking am. I have a personality I'm ashamed of. And some people might say,"Oh, you think too much, don't worry about it." but I do! I do worry about it. I worry about whether the sun is going to rise the next day, or if the moon would shine the next night. I'm weird like that. I worry too much. I may seem carefree, but that is far from the frickin' truth. I'm a nutcase. And I deserve to be strapped up and sent to a mental ward for mentally hurting myself with my psychological, ,psychopathic thoughts.

but then again, i'm not very intellgent, so i can't be psychopathic. most psychopathic people are white caucasion males, that have an above average intellegent, take hilter for example. a weird weird insane man, who thought he was aryan when he truely was not. if he had applied for his own personal guards, he wouldn't have made it in, because he doesn't fit his own guard's description. the reason why he got so far in what he did, was because he could speak aloud to anyone, and entice them to do the most horrific things. and like i said before, does everyone see things differently? i've answered my own question. They do. People saw Hitler as a saint, someone who'd bring Germany to power, and Aryan's themselves to power, while everyone else were slaves. But the rest of the world saw differently.

Just as I see differently. I see the world revolving around, and I apart, on the outside, never within, mingling. Always sadly alone. Always. So when will someone be there to catch me when I fall, or comfort me when I cry. No one. Because whenever someone does try and comfort me, I feel uncomfortable. When am I going to find someone I'm truely okay to cry in front of? When?

Life is such a hassle.

A dream, crushed

You know, I had a dream once. I dreamed that when I was older, I'd have no worries. I'd sit on a fluffy couch and eat marshmallows all day, watching my favorite episodes of Sailor Moon ( i liked that when I was 6, so sue me ).

And now, these past few years, reality has hit. Pretty weird. Now I know life isn't all marshmallows and fluffy couches and Sailor Moon. It intermingles with hardships. Some lives harder to overcome then others. Yet everything has a darkside.

Yesterday, Seph said to my ex-koi,"Sweet dreams." and Hunter, said,"I don't dream."

And that hit me hard. Hunter, to my face was always happy. And I fucking know that, that angel had problems, that he refused to let me know. AND how am I supposed to help, if my own koi, doesn't even trust me with his problems, and thoughts? I don't understand! Always being there for me, but never letting me be there.

I don't understand. I've given up understanding. Hell with it.

tank u

first, i need to thank yohji-kun for making this layout for me, since i'm too pathetic to do anything.

i wonder if anyone is wondering why the hell am i writing in this blog, when i already have a journal. the thing is, so many people read my journal, and i need something...alittle more private, with only my GOOD friends to read this. So, friends, hello and welcome.

Likes
-Anime
-Reading
-Writing
-Webdesigning
-Yaoi
-Koi
-Religon
-Hands
-Sketching
-Feet
-Photography
-Art
-Swimming
-J-rock

Dislikes
-Bad pop groups
-Mean people
-Sluts
-Betrayers
-Liars
-Cheaters
-Pimps
-Politics
-Black licorice
-Wasabi

Friend's Journals
-Leah
-Sengy
-Omi-kun
-Pink
-Nee-chan
-Ayame
-Kitsy
-Schuldich
-Dark
-Christine
-Ken-kun
-Yohji-kun

Websites
-Pitas
-Livejournal
-Secretsoul.nu
-Archives
-Animage
-Ben
-Hentai no tenshi

Favorite Anime
-Weiss Kreuz
-Fushigi Yuugi
-Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne
-Rurouni Kenshin
-Trigun

Anime Characters Similar to me
Weiss Kruez | Ran Fujimiya
Fushigi Yuugi | Chichiri
Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne | Marron

Favorite Bishonen
Weiss Kruez | Ran Fujimiya
Fushigi Yuugi | Chichiri
Rurouni Kenshin | Kenshin

Favorite Books
-Interview with the Vampire
-Jane Eyre
-The Last Vampire
-Harry Potter

Favorite Movies
-Gladiator
-Hannibal
-Rush Hour 2

Favorite Bands/Singers
-Dir En Grey
-X-Japan
-Rob Zombie
-Slipknot
-Glay

Favorite Songs
-My December by Linkin Park
-Schwein no isu by Dir en Grey
-Rose of Pain by X-Japan

Best looking singers
-Toshiya
-Shinya